Lost Cause…?

I haven’t written anything in months and months. I feel as though things have come to a head. Im at a fork in the road and i cannot make a decision. I have so much to let go of. So much to stay for.. not sure which is best. How do you know if something is meant to be? Is this a regular occurrance for couples to fight and for myself to feel how i do? Should i feel the need to run often? Is this my intutition telling me that i do need to run and i am choosing to ignore all the signs. I feel as though i do have a lot to be thankful for. Yet, here i am.. unable to be happy about it all.  I have everything i could want despite the debt load i currently have. Instead i choose to run away today and not too stay and fight. I am done fight. I am emotionally spent. I have done so much for everyone else. Always doing things to help others.. yet i can’t seem to get a hand to have a mental health day for myself. Why live here when i don’t have the help i so desperately crave. Why not move and live alone without anyone i know… its how i feel here. I feel lost. Alone. Unheard. Under appreciated. Undervalued. Maybe the way i feel has solely to do with how much i feel lost since i don’t have a job etc. He can do all the things for me.. yet its not me doing it. I feel like i owe him. I’m just done. mentally tired… i could sleep for 12 hours and still wake up feeling like i haven’t slept at all. depression apparently has come a knocking. I guess going to the doctor at the end of the month will let me know how truly depressed i am.. lets start the drugs cause thats how we fix things…

03/06/2015

When you have to learn how to be thankful for the bigger picture in your life but cant figure out how to let go of all the negative that has happened up to this point. it makes for a very difficult time. I have everything I ever wanted and more. I cant help but stick to the negative mentality that I don’t deserve it and so I don’t enjoy it. Instead I try and self sabotage my life. Its going to ruin everything if I don’t stop thinking like this. Ive been so damaged that im letting it control my life. Im taking a break soon. I need to find myself again.. find me. I used to be so smiley and love life. I feel so drained. I need to stop doing everything for everyone else and start doing things I enjoy again.

Happiness

Is this what it is to be happy? Its only been a few months but I don’t miss him any less.  I countdown the days until we meet again. Each time, I get butterflies. I adore hearing his voice.  I adore all the simple things he does for me. I’ve never had anyone get up with me to see me off to work. He makes me laugh. It almost as if he knew I was talking about him. He just called. I better go!!

It’s been months….

Dear Reader,

I have disappeared for sometime. I missed writing. Although it was mainly negative.. it was at least somewhere I could vent without hiding. I have since come a long way. I am no longer with my child’s father. I was miserable and so badly wanted it to work out. I wanted the white picket fence… the whole picture. Unfortunately, I was so blind that I didn’t see… I was only ruining my self. I was not the person I wanted to be nor was I the mother I wanted to be. Instead I was a shell of a person. Simply,just getting by. Doing the regular daily routine and hoping no one would ask how I was doing for fear of crying. I’m still unclear as too if I held on for dear life to a relationship that wasn’t working for myself or if I held on for my son. I love this little man more then anything. I would kill for him. I would stay in a relationship that wasn’t happy to make sure he would have both parents.. until I couldn’t bare it anymore (looks like I answered my own question).  I tried for two years, I tried to tell this man that I needed to see him be involved in his son’s life. That it was unattractive to be with someone who didn’t show any signs of wanting to be a father. I know so many dads who fight so hard just to get a couple of hours with their kid (s). Yet this man had the doors open to see his son and he never came through. He just stood there, looking through the glass. Opening the door just enough to shine some light in and close it again. Even now I notice that I did so much work sending photos and talking about my son with him,  he barely seemed excited about it. Once I stopped sending photos and telling stories of the days events… I realized with a terrible pain that it was just me. I am the one who has raised this little human and I know everything about him. His own father doesn’t know even know what he likes and dislikes unless I tell him. He doesn’t ask “what’s he into now? Does he like etc.” just nothing. He has all these plans to travel the world and make money at the same time. Yet, he cant even make it here for Christmas or his second birthday. I used to feel so much pain that my son was missing out on his father being there. But I realized it isn’t my burden to feel burdened for my son. It isn’t my sons burden to carry that his father has made other choices. Its his father’s burden, that he has made other things in life priority and not his sons. We are not missing out. We have each other. I get to watch this human grow and learn each day. My son has a mother who put his needs first. I made sure he had stability and guaranteed he would never go without the basic needs in order to live. If anyone wants to tell me its my fault that he is without his father, they clearly do not understand that I did everything to try and make it work. You can never force someone to be someone they are not. But you can choose to walk away if it is damaging your soul. I walked away with my head held high… I’m doing great. My son is amazing and teaching me how to be more and more like who I want to be.

At the end of the day, I did what I could until I couldn’t hold on anymore.

Overwelmed much!

Okay, so first off I know I said I would post about the positive in my life for now on. I do just have to say this “HOLY FUCK THIS WEEK HAS BEEN STRESSFUL AND I WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT!!”

 

Okay, now that that is over. Let me continue with the positives in my life!

1- My son! He will always been my number one!!

2- For not giving up even when I feel so defeated

3- That I am financially stable enough to provide for my son and I.

4- I have some many family members and friends, that I am ever so grateful to have.

5- This is the best one!! The fact that I get to go home in 30 minutes from work. My brain is so exhausted.

Today, my focus is too leave my work at work!!

 

Also, one more day till I have four days off!!! heck yes!!!

 

What are your positives for today???

It’s been a long time…

My mind has been wanting to write for so long. I haven’t made the time. I was hoping to not write on here until it was all positive. 

 

So here is the first day that i am trying to be positive about my life. For one thing, i need to change the way i see things. Stop looking at everything like its negative and start looking at it as an opportunity to make things better. I need to stop worrying about the future that isnt even here. Really set back and be thankful for what i have. Start being positive everyday so it becomes a habit. 

 

This is going to be tough. Since everything has been so negative for so long. This can’t go on. I’m only holding myself back. I can’t blame others for how i feel. But i can change how i feel about the situation. 

So here is my promise … so listen up self “We are going to be positive and repeat positive words daily. You need to challenge yourself for 30 days! ” 

 

Let’s see how the next 30 days play out!!! Wish me luck!! 

Fuck today

More like fuck this whole month.

I had three weeks of my child being sick and I was sick. Which is hard in itself. Especially when I have no help and can’t get any rest to get myself back to feel 100%. I had also made an appointment for something I have been putting off for many years. I had to pay for it and I made arrangements for a friend to watch my son. A family member then told me they could do it for me and I could cancel my friend. So I did, only to find out last minute that the family member couldn’t do it. I was then left not having anyone to watch my son and I lost out of $140. I was so upset because it’s very difficult for me to make plans and have help.

Meanwhile, I am suppose to leave my country to move to the USA. Drop all my stability here. Come to have my Fiancé accuse me of cheating two days before my birthday. Last year he has split up with me the day before my birthday. Its like a repeat of last year only worse. We end up fighting for days because of this. I was busy with our son and I don’t text and drive. Everything was blown out of proportion. Once, I told him I had had enough of the relationship and broke up with him. He then decides to back pedal and plead with me not to end things. So I am left feeling upset, hurt and confused. Here, I am wanting my family to be together but I didn’t need the BS 5 weeks before I am booked to get on a plane. So I am trying to give him another chance. Here I was thinking we had made some headway only to find out that he had in fact cancelled our living arrangements while we came down there.  Which I can understand doing that if someone says they aren’t coming. But why would you tell me you love me and make it seem as though we are working things out. Then I ask you to send me a letter to come down for our son and you tell me that you already cancelled our living arrangements and yah so. I mean you want us to come there and said you would figure everything out if we decided to come. But yet you now don’t want to say “Sure, I can make arrangements again! No problem!”. Instead, I now have no fucking idea what I am doing.

I need to tell my company I am not leaving and need my job still. But you are going to leave me in limbo. After all these years, its always hard when we are apart and I apologized for what you needed to hear. You said you would be okay after that. Clearly that is not the case. Now I am left feeling like I knew exactly what would happen and that you wouldn’t change or want to change how you think about us. That you are not willing to do anything anymore but you enjoy keeping me on your radar encase nothing better comes along. Or for when you decide that you want to step up as a dad. 

I shut my phone off. I cannot handle this anymore. I am miserable. Its so back and forth. If you don’t get how serious it is for me to give up everything I know and everything I have in this country to come to you. Then you clearly don’t see that I love you enough to give up everything for you. This is all showing me that you don’t love me enough to do the same. You don’t love me enough to fight for what I thought you wanted.

Just stop telling me you love me.  Stop wasting my time. Stop giving me hope that you are wanting to step up as a dad. Stop giving me hope that this could finally be everything we had wanted from the start. Stop telling me that you want to marry so we can live together and be a family, and not have the distance be an issue anymore.

Actions speak volumes.

It is so easy to just give up because you don’t have to see my everyday.

Just remember that you are giving up being a full time dad. The opportunity to know the most amazing human being I have ever met in my life, who just happens to be your son too. Now, you can just remain being the monthly dad. Years will pass and he will still never know you. Don’t get upset when someone else decides to step up and loves us both. I am giving you this chance to be that man in our lives, its up to you to want to be that man.

I’m not going to wait around anymore. I can’t break my heart anymore then it already is. I will get my answer from you this week. It’s either 100% trying or it’s nothing.

Right now, I am at work. Wishing I was at home so I could cry. How many times… will I let you hurt me…?

Affirmation

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

Its funny how mere hours can change how a person feels. After writing my post yesterday, I continued to work. Travelled  home and had dinner. Clueless that only about 4 hours would pass and shit would hit the fan. This move that I am making has clearly just been confirmed that I am in fact going in the right direction.

I need to get out of this house.

After being bitch at for my 1.5 year old having a rough night. Most moms would laugh at what my child’s crying and apparent “tantrums” are. If you want to call them that. Because when he is over tired etc. he gets upset. But it doesn’t last forever. He will cry for maybe a minute and then calm down. Sometimes this will continue for 20 minutes.  His crying time might be 5-10 minutes. In this time, he is never left alone. I comfort him the only way I know how as his mother. I talk to him the whole time as well “I know you are upset and that’s okay. If you are tired then let me snuggle you and lets get you to sleep”. I hold him if he lets me and I offer him the breast. Even though we are trying too wean. But I cant even wean my child because for his whole life, I have been stressed out about what will happen if he cries for too long. I’ve put myself into a place I don’t want to be in. I have let someone else make me feel like I can’t be the mother I want to be. I can’t finger paint with my child because god forbid we make a mess and we don’t clean it immediately.

However, this apparently means that I  neglect my child. Therefore I am a piece of shit mother. Who is moving to be with an asshole who doesn’t give a shit about his son (my sons father). These are just a few of the words that come out of someone who I should respect and look up too. Instead I am left wondering if this is why he is alone. If this is why he wasn’t always around when I was little. I wonder why I deserve to have a father that would be deemed a “dry drunk”. Everyone has to walk on eggshells around my dad. I have never been so disappointed in myself for losing my cool as I did last night. My son has seen me yell twice. Both times because my father has put me down by saying I neglect my son. I am beyond hurt. I have put up with this for too long. I’ve been living with him because maternity leave took a toll on my finances. I regret making this choice.

There has been many positives living with my dad though. He will cook dinner and other meals when we are home. I believe he does it because he is picky and doesn’t want to wait for me to do the dishes while having a toddler. He is so temperamental. You have no idea what kind of mood he will be in when you get home. Sometimes its great at first (as it was last night) then bam my son cries and he flips out. My son will try and get his attention and he always says “I’m busy doing “such and such” can’t pick you up”.. I just watch my son be rejected so much.

I am so angry for allowing this to go on and for how long it has been going on for.  I am so happy I am taking my child out of this negative environment. He doesn’t deserve to have his grandpa ignore him and say things like “Why are you whining for?”, ” Stop being a cry  baby”… he says all this stuff when my son is wanting his attention and whining but not crying.  How can a person be so damn cruel? When my son hurts himself, I run to him and pick him up and comfort him. My dad will comment saying that I shouldn’t do that. But then if I let him cry and self soothe. I’m neglecting. Its like he is bipolar. It doesn’t matter what I do or how I do it, I will forever be wrong. I will forever fail as a parent in the eyes of my father. I will never be good enough. I am so tired of trying to look good in his eyes. Why the hell should I???

I have opened up to some friends and family and they can’t believe how I have stayed here this long. I’ll tell you why, cause I feel guilty. I feel guilty about taking my son away from his grandpa and leaving my dad alone.  At this rate, he is pushing everyone away. I’m not going home tonight. I am going to stay elsewhere for the next two months. I’m going to give him a heads up but I’m moving all of my stuff this weekend.

 

I hear constantly that I’m a good mother. I hear it from strangers in passing. Saying how happy my son is. If I was such a terrible mother I would never hear those things. I most certainly would not be working and doing everything I have been to give my son the best I can give him.

I am so over feeling like this…

I’M ACTUALLY DOING IT!!

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Since the last time I’ve posted. My life has changed. I’m scared shitless. I’ve given notice at my current place of employment after five years of being with them. I leave in 8 weeks. I’m going for a 6 month trip. I can’t believe I just up and decided to go! Life is crazy!! I wonder what the next six months will hold for my son and I. All I can do is hope for the best.

I am excited to not have to wake up at the crack of dawn to go to work for 10 hours a day. It will be nice to just be a mom. Not have anyone tell me what they think I am doing wrong with my child. How I fail as a parent because I bought a radio flyer wagon that is apparently over the top. Did I mention it was on sale and was of better value to choose the one I did. So yes, I bought it. I’m so tired of having my positives be knocked down with negatives. I will not apologize for being a mother who spends money on her child. Especially when it isn’t over buying. I want my child to have the things I did growing. I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about that. I could be “that mother” that puts partying, alcohol and drugs ahead of my child. But I’m not.. so far from being “that mom”. Instead I work 40 hour weeks. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I spend time with my child and I enjoy seeing him enjoy his wagon etc.

I am so ready to get away from all the bs. Let my child be a child and not have to shush him because it annoys others. I can’t wait to finger paint with him finally. I will be able to do everything I want with him without having to panic that we get caught making a mess.

Ugh… I need this freedom to watch my child be a child. I can’t wait for this next chapter. Two months is going to take forever to go by.

 

Wish me luck 

fighting and more fighting

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Yesterday was a rough day. My son hit me right between the eyes with his toy car. I am still sore today and I’m surprised I didn’t bruise. It sure made my eyes water.

This is not why yesterday was hard. Besides my challenges when it comes to parenting, I still have a great day. My child is the light of my life.

Once again there was a  battle via text message yesterday. Once again everything was blown out of proportion. Once again hateful things were said to one another. Once again we ended the relationship. Only this time… I don’t this it will ever be able to be repaired.  The flight that was suppose to bring my fiancé  here has been cancelled on his part. It doesn’t even matter if we aren’t talking to one another or getting along. You should be coming to see your child. When you threatened to cancel a flight (which I don’t have conformation 100% that he did.. he said he did) and you make no effort to make it about your child instead. By saying “I’m coming Friday anyways to see my son. I need you to pick me up at the airport. And give me a place to stay” . None of this was said. Never once did you try and fight to see your child. Now I cannot only wonder if you ever cared about your child. You spent months not paying child support, not helping me, not making any effort. Then when I try and get you to sign over your rights as a parent. That’s the time you decide to be somewhat of a father?!  This has been my issue the whole time. Your words don’t mean anything because talk is cheap and you’ve shown me that. Not only now do I have conformation that this isn’t what you want, it’s said loud and clear with your words and now actions. Thank you for making me waste my time and for making my heart hurt so bad.  My son is so amazing. I love him dearly and I cannot understand why you have never fought for him. Why did you make a big deal when I hyphenated the name on the birth certificate? It goes to show that my gut feeling knew something wasn’t right. I wish I could go back and not let you sign the birth certificate. I wish I would have just walked away. I wish I could still walk away from you. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I was strong enough to just move on. The problem is… I loved you before I even met you in person. For years we were  one another shoulder to lean on. You know everything about me. You know me like no one else does. You have seen my soul. Most importantly, I truly do love you. You may drive me over the edge and push all my buttons. I know I do that to you too. That doesn’t change that I have never had this connection with someone before. I never worked so hard to be in a relationship. As many times as I’ve wanted to leave you and hate you. I can’t. I never could. I’d still marry you on May 4th, if you really wanted this.

(Funny that I would receive a text from this man as soon as I am almost done venting on here. He wanted to know how his son is. Well that’s funny cause the only time he asks how he is, is always after a serious fight. I know his pattern)

It’s a good thing you won’t see this. Because one day this feelings won’t exist anymore. Someone else will make me change my thoughts and feelings.