Yesterday was a rough day. My son hit me right between the eyes with his toy car. I am still sore today and I’m surprised I didn’t bruise. It sure made my eyes water.
This is not why yesterday was hard. Besides my challenges when it comes to parenting, I still have a great day. My child is the light of my life.
Once again there was a battle via text message yesterday. Once again everything was blown out of proportion. Once again hateful things were said to one another. Once again we ended the relationship. Only this time… I don’t this it will ever be able to be repaired. The flight that was suppose to bring my fiancé here has been cancelled on his part. It doesn’t even matter if we aren’t talking to one another or getting along. You should be coming to see your child. When you threatened to cancel a flight (which I don’t have conformation 100% that he did.. he said he did) and you make no effort to make it about your child instead. By saying “I’m coming Friday anyways to see my son. I need you to pick me up at the airport. And give me a place to stay” . None of this was said. Never once did you try and fight to see your child. Now I cannot only wonder if you ever cared about your child. You spent months not paying child support, not helping me, not making any effort. Then when I try and get you to sign over your rights as a parent. That’s the time you decide to be somewhat of a father?! This has been my issue the whole time. Your words don’t mean anything because talk is cheap and you’ve shown me that. Not only now do I have conformation that this isn’t what you want, it’s said loud and clear with your words and now actions. Thank you for making me waste my time and for making my heart hurt so bad. My son is so amazing. I love him dearly and I cannot understand why you have never fought for him. Why did you make a big deal when I hyphenated the name on the birth certificate? It goes to show that my gut feeling knew something wasn’t right. I wish I could go back and not let you sign the birth certificate. I wish I would have just walked away. I wish I could still walk away from you. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I was strong enough to just move on. The problem is… I loved you before I even met you in person. For years we were one another shoulder to lean on. You know everything about me. You know me like no one else does. You have seen my soul. Most importantly, I truly do love you. You may drive me over the edge and push all my buttons. I know I do that to you too. That doesn’t change that I have never had this connection with someone before. I never worked so hard to be in a relationship. As many times as I’ve wanted to leave you and hate you. I can’t. I never could. I’d still marry you on May 4th, if you really wanted this.
(Funny that I would receive a text from this man as soon as I am almost done venting on here. He wanted to know how his son is. Well that’s funny cause the only time he asks how he is, is always after a serious fight. I know his pattern)
It’s a good thing you won’t see this. Because one day this feelings won’t exist anymore. Someone else will make me change my thoughts and feelings.