The past

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How much of the past do you let enter your present? That is a good question to ask myself. Let me take you on a journey back to what my life was like four years ago.

 

Four years ago, I was in college. I was in a serious relationship that was due for a marriage. Everything was great or so I thought. We travelled to numerous countries together, we had a blast for the most part. Our wedding was being planned and we could have a wedding with no budget. It was what a girl would dream of. Being able to watch the perfect wedding come together that you have planned since you were a child. Only to have it come crashing down. The substance abuse that my partner at the time was battling was finally showing his true colors. The cops had been involved so much more at this point. With only month away from the dream wedding, I would find the strength I needed to wake up and leave. The final straw was when he grabbed me and try to pull my pants down. Saying that he would be able to tell by looking if I had cheated on him. I have never been more humiliated and degraded in my life. After that, I left. I deserved more then that. It was too much and I was done dealing with the emotional toll and the start of a physical abusive relationship.

I have never written about this time in my life. I have vaguely told people why the relationship didn’t work. I would lie and say “his drinking” or “we just aren’t meant to be”. I didn’t want may people to know the whole truth because I felt ashamed. I felt like a failure. I felt useless.

I was the person everyone wanted to be around. A social butterfly. Everyone would always comment and say how beautiful I was and how much I was missed if I wasn’t around. This was my past life and what people thought of me. I miss being the person I use to be. The person who smiled and was truly happy. I lost that person I once was. I have now let myself become insecure. I have damaged possible positive relationships because of that event in my life. I have ended things with men when they were really good because in my mind all good things come to an end. I have lost trust  in others and in myself. I have completely let this person beat me down and ruin myself worth.

Why am I still letting four years ago affect my life the way it did four years ago? Why am I choosing to let my insecurities that stem from someone else pave the way?  Why am I holding on? I know for a fact I am still angry about the items he took from me, some of those items can never be replaced. Now when someone takes something away from me or threatens to… it brings me right back to my feelings about how my ex controlled me. “I can never let my control go to someone else” & “I can never trust someone ever again”, these are constant sentences I’ve said to myself. I can’t just let someone take care of me because then I would be vulnerable once again. It would mean that person could hold things over my head, just like my ex did.

I’ve been in a relationship for two years now and we have a child together. I am suppose to up root my life and move and have had a really hard time letting go. I can’t give up my independence and “trust” that he won’t hurt me. All of our fights are over the distance and yet I could move there today. But because I have issues that are clearly coming to light now. Even if I don’t want to deal with them. They are here and I need to deal with them, so I can heal. I’ve worked so hard to become a hard shell of a person, while hiding that scared little girl from four years ago. I’ve gotten so good at it that I haven’t realize that I am in fact hurting myself. *wow, I am scaring myself with what has been pouring out over my keyboard* 

I have gone for consoling and I went right after my ex. I am starting to see now that I have more to work on then I thought. The question is… can I get over my now partners words that were said yesterday in the heat of the moment. I know he is tired of fighting to close the distance. Especially when I am the one who is sabotaging it. Holy shit I am sabotaging my whole life. I am the one who is ruining everything because I can’t just let shit go. No one else can magically fix me.. yet here I am wanting someone to fix what is broken. I have the tools that can repair my broken mind and heart… yet I choose to do nothing. I really need to rethink the way I think about myself. I am worth more then I give myself credit for. I am a great parent and that’s my main focus. I need to better myself so I can be a better parent for my child. This is not a positive way of thinking that I am living and I don’t want my child to grow up thinking that this is how a person should feel about themselves. I am my own therapy and I need to heal and move on.  I need to work on myself. I need to change. I need to change my way of thinking. I am not all those things my ex called me. I don’t cheat ever and I never will. That’s not me. He doesn’t get to mold me into what he thought I was… I wasn’t any of that. I’ve come so far and I have gotten myself to where I am now. I picked up my life and I moved on, I just didn’t leave that last box with him. I should have burned all the hateful memories when I left him. The longer I let those memories stay with me… the longer I let him affect my life.

I will not be just another abused woman! I will be a survivor! I will be a stronger person for myself and for my son! I will teach him how to treat a woman and now to just get into a relationship because its convenient. I want him to know not to give himself to someone he wouldn’t have a child with. Not too give himself to someone who doesn’t make his heart sing.

Dear asshole from my past,

Today I am choosing to walk around from the hold you’ve had over me for all these years. I will not let you ruin my self worth anymore. I will not let your negative words resonate in my head anymore. Most importantly I will let go of the items that are irreplaceable… I still have the memories of what they once were. I will stop wishing negative things to happen in your life… because all its doing is making my life negative. I’m done. I am so done! I won’t let the past ruin my life anymore.

Sincerely,

The bitch you couldn’t control with your money!!!

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Screw today

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Yesterday we decide that we are going to tie the knot finally after three years. We are eloping. I decided it would be best to call my mom and let her know since she said she would at least like to know.  Upon telling her this, she of course wanted to plan something for us, a reception. She can’t be here to celebrate so she wants to do something nice.

Of course with this came a huge fight with the fiancé. He wanted it just to be us and it turned into a huge power struggle. That has continued this morning as well. I don’t even want to deal with the bullshit anymore. I am leaving my family to move to another country for him. Why can’t he just shut up and smile and say ” that’s great babe” instead of being an ass. He’s getting everything he wants and I’m the one sacrificing everything. I’m leaving my family, my friends, my life here. I am so mad and frustrated right now. When things like this happen, I would rather just skip the wedding all together. All my feelings get shot down. I’m not getting the dream wedding I want so we can live in the same damn country.

I get bitched at because it isn’t fair to his family that can’t attend etc. Who the hell can make it too a wedding in three weeks when they don’t have money or passports for flights? We spent Christmas down there. My family missed my sons first Christmas.. his did not. He never cared before about his family being there etc. Now it’s a huge deal. He isn’t close with his family like my family is. We are loud and we see each other weekly. His family has had 2.5 years to get passports and haven’t yet. Lots of his family refuse to fly too, so how the hell does that work???

 

I just don’t even know if this is worth the battle anymore. The distance has affect everything in our relationship. I put our son first and now that’s all I focus on is him. So many battles… I’m exhausted.

Apple Cinnamon Muffin…

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Sitting at my desk on this beautiful morning. The sun is shinning out my window and it’s looking like it will be warm. I’ll take you back to my past week…

I had just told a family member that I couldn’t afford to have any days off work. Wouldn’t you know the universe would have different plans. My child ended up coming down with Croup. My credit card was compromised, it was cancelled by the company. Finding out I had to take the next 30 hours off work didn’t help my stress level. Especially when you have an appointment coming up to change your cars windshield and change the oil. I cried for a couple of hours on Monday out of sheer frustration. Could everything all be crashing down on me all at once.. of course it could.

Trying to figure out how I will pull everything together without the pay I was expecting to get on my check. Just means more debt to try and pay off.

The next few days go by and my child is getting better, wouldn’t you know another fast ball would be thrown my way. I would become sick with a head cold and allergies. My now 6 day weekend would turn into nursing myself back to health. Wait a minute.. who has time for that when they have a small child. It consisted of me feeling sorry for myself and wearing sweatpants and using two boxes of Kleenex. Don’t forget to picture Vaseline on my nose to help with the painful raw skin. Oh the sex appeal that comes with being sick.

I had someone ask why I would go on a two hour drive to go shopping to the nearest city while being sick. My response was short and to the point “I’m a single mom, I don’t get to rest when I’m sick. So what’s the point of staying home?” My answer was met with silence. Don’t get me wrong I would have killed to lay in bed and have an exotic man named “Alejandro” to nurse me back to health.

Needless to say a girl can dream. Let’s hope the next couple of weeks get better. I could use some good karma.

Overwhelmed

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I’m sitting at work on this cold gloomy day. I had another meltdown today. This whole immigration process is so overwhelming.

I’m stuck between hard place and a rock.

How do I choose what I want to do. I feel so guilty about leaving my job. I feel guilty about leaving my family. I feel guilty always. No matter what someone or something suffers with my choice to leave. How did this get so hard. Three years ago… I had no problem packing my belongings and leaving on a new adventure. The times have changed and I have my own little family.. I feel a huge weight pressing down on my heart. I am separately myself from everything I know. Everyone I know and love. I don’t know why I feel like whatever I do is the wrong choice. I don’t even know what my choice is. I constantly feel like I can do this and then I feel like I can’t.

I guess the main problem is getting over being scared.. being scared of the unknown. I have a lot of positive things to look forward to but all I can do is think about the negative side and what happens if something goes wrong etc. I am giving up a lot here. I have a excellent paying job, a car, a roof over my head. Most importantly.. I have amazing credit.

Once I leave… I leave all of that behind. I will have zero credit. I will have to start back at square one. It’s taking me four years to establish my credit and I don’t want to lose that. I have to trust someone else to care for me. I am so independent that this is a huge challenge. It will be a battle.

The has to be the hardest decision I will ever have to make. I’m going to try and go there and if I don’t like it in a years time.. I’m coming home.  

Smooth & Sticky

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As my honeypot sits half full at the moment. I sit here and wonder when will it be full? How long until my family gets to live in the same country together. Honestly, If I had taken a vow of celibacy I would be on point with it.  

When your lover comes to visit  after months of being away from one another. You would think that there would be a lot of love making happening. Only in our case… there’s a lot of nothing. I am so used to just being a provider for my child that I have no desire. I’ve gone just under two years without any sex. I feel like I have lost my desire for it all together. Being pregnant and recovery from birth didn’t help either. When do people have time for sex? I sure don’t.. I’m exhausted at the end of the day. Once daddy comes up to visit… it’s like a crash course in baby training. I would want to soak in a tub or do all the things I couldn’t with a child in my arms. Leaving no desire for sex.

Then there’s the whole issue with my lover not understanding that I am touched out. I care for a little human without help during the months he isn’t here. When he gets here, he expects it to be like when we first started dating. Hands all over one another, like a hot steamy love scene. Maybe a little bit of 50 shades of Grey (I wouldn’t be oppose to that). One thing I know is he will never understand, how it feels to be touched out. It’s hard being a single mom and then expected to catered to two people at the same time. When do I get time to myself? When does someone cater to me?

When you’ve been in a relationship for three years and have a baby, things get dry. One parent usually does more of the work then the other. Then resentment begins and it turns into an ugly battle. Both partners are not having their needs met. It’s also hard to turn someone on when they would rather rest. After three years you know how the other partner initiates sexy times. That in itself makes it worse. It’s painful to see someone trying to get some and you are at the receiving end and have no desire for sex. You deny the advance and automatically you are the worst person ever. Then you explain being touched out or that you just aren’t in the mood. It’s the classic fight before bed and ruin the evening scenario. How do you tell someone that you just don’t care to have sex anymore.. at all? Or how do you tell them that you are bored of the regular boring sex? Maybe all the bullshit from the past is still hanging out and making you hold out on having sex? What if you just want to have sex with someone else to feel sexy? To have that adrenaline rush we all love when it’s new and fresh? Maybe having a “weekend pass” would rekindled the relationship for us? Perhaps this is something to ponder.

Here’s to hoping we can rekindle some steamy sex.

Immigration

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I’m having a hard day. I feel beaten down and tired. We have fought with immigration for over two years. We were denied our application for a K1 Visa one week before Christmas 2013 by the USA (Fiancé Visa). After two years of waiting for it to be processed. I am at my wits end. I have raised our child on my own since his birth. He is almost 15 months old. He’s father has only been able to spend 4 months of his life with him. It’s ripping us apart as the seams. I’ve cried so many nights and have dropped to my knees in exhaustion. How could we be denied, we did everything they told us. We even have a lawyer and we followed the proper steps. We did everything legitimately. Why us?? Why does my son have to grow up with out his father.. not by choice. Why do I have to parent alone? Why does my fiancé have to miss out on the crucial years of his son’s life? 

These are questions I’ve asked myself daily. I’ve stopped my life to wait for something that never came. I didn’t move into my own home and created a nursery. I didn’t buy matching furniture for our son. I waited to buy a car. I didn’t make any plans because I didn’t want it too affect moving. I had over 50 boxes saved to pack all of our things. I downsized my belongings to move so we could take all of my sons belongings. I sacrificed and sacrificed day after day in hopes we would be together as a family. With each passing month.. my heart broke. I’ve never been so hurt in my life. I feel like I’ve failed as a mother, a parent and fiancé. I didn’t get to do the nesting phase for my child.. that in itself rips my heart out. I’ve missed out on all the wonderful things I hear other parents rave about. I instead stressed about where I would live with a newborn since I had secured a place to live. I wasn’t able to work because I was very ill while pregnant. I was on a strict budget. I stressed and stressed when I should have been nothing but excited and full of life during my pregnancy and after birth. I didn’t have any help after my fiancé left two weeks after birth. I now know what single mothers go through and I respect them all so much. It isn’t easy.  It hasn’t be easy.  I was lucky that I have family who took us in and have helped us on this journey. I would have been lost without my family.

None of this is by choice. It’s in the hands of people that know nothing about us that make whatever decision they want. Was our application denied because this person was having a hard day themselves? You never know. Why did I have to meet an American and not someone from Canada right? We can’t help who we fall In love with. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have a child from this. I wasn’t suppose to carry a child. This was meant to be. So why are we fighting so hard to be able to be a family in a country that believes we are not worthy of this right?? Why not try the process of moving my fiancé to Canada instead. After 3 years of fighting we know more about the American side of immigration.  We will continue to fight to be together as a family because we have the right to raise our son together. In a loving and caring environment as he deserves to have this experience.

This experience isn’t over. It has been the hardest experience of my life on this earth. I have never been so beat up and emotionally exhausted. All I want is to be a family and be in an equal partnership and co-parent daily. I feel as though that our looks have made people cast judgment upon us. We are what some would considered heavily tattooed and pierced. Yes, we look different but we are honest people. We don’t do any drugs what so ever. We barely drink and when we do it’s for special occasions. We have taken a natural approaching to caring for our child and ourselves. We are “boring” as some of our friends would say. We are still in our late 20’s and don’t party or leave our child to go and party. We are responsible people just trying to live our lives in this cruel world.

I just want to be a family.

I just want to wake up next to the love of my life everyday.

I want my fiancé to watch his son grow daily and experience all the precious things our son does.

I want to be happy and not sad that I am forced to wait for this to happen.

I want to stress about normal things, not about never knowing when we will be together.

And most of all, I want to end the arguments that we have over the immigration process. We take our frustrations out on one another when we shouldn’t be. We don’t have many people who understand what we are going through so we have little ability to vent to people that get it.

 

To anyone who has had problems immigrating… I feel your pain. I hope that you will one day be reunited with your loved ones. To be able to enjoy a life without stress.

I pray that this chapter in my our lives will close soon, so we can begin a new chapter.

Rant about “Some” woman

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What is it about technology that has woman wanting to post half nude photos on social media? Hell, some of them are exposed more then that. The drama.. the drama. These woman complain numerous times about how they can’t find a man. That they can’t hold down a relationship. They can’t find prince charming! Well, maybe if you opted to keep your clothes on you would have something that “some” men want. You would have respect, dignity and love for yourself. I’m not saying that “all” woman who post nudes on social media don’t love themselves. It seems in my experience that they’re so unbelievably insecure with themselves. I have to admit I follow a few on these woman on Instagram. Most days I laugh, but I am generally annoyed by their posts. One of these women posts photo’s  in the same poses all the time. In her underwear and trying to be a leg model, so it would appear. Yah, okay I’ve seen your leg tattoo and your black underwear for the 100th time… who fucking cares? The same people like your posts…always. Then you go and comment on your facebook about how you are so upset that this guy split up with you etc. If I was him, I would have too. If you are going to show your body to everyone online.. what’s left for him?  There’s nothing exciting to him anymore. How disrespectful to him, you are in a relationship with him. Not with the whole world and then him. I don’t know if this is part of the reason he split with you. I just don’t get why you constantly bitch about not having a man. Your life apparently needs a man in order for you to function. Not only that, you aren’t the only hussy online looking for attention. I know what you are thinking as you read this post. “Why not unfollow said woman from social media if it annoys you.” I’ll tell you why I still follow them because I find it passes the time. It’s like a soap opera unfolding before my very eyes.  Part of me also wishes that you might wake up and respect yourself… I hope that day comes soon. I hope your child doesn’t see any of your past posts when she is older. I hope that she doesn’t end up having insecurities too.

It bothers me about how provocative these woman are. It bothers me that these “types” of woman are deemed socially acceptable. That these images are okay to be posted on numerous sites. Your “ass”  and “tits” can hang out all day everyday and you will be praised for it. Yet, I cannot breastfeed my child in public without being shunned. How ridiculous!!! You can’t even see my nipple or my breasts for that matter. You would have to put your face right next to my child’s face to see anything.. even then I doubt you would get a good look. However, if I were to post a sexy photo on social media without my child.. I would be praised. Or so it seems I would be. The minute I post a photo of my child nursing, it would be deleted by social media. The wrath that followed would be absurd.

When being in a relationship, at least your significant other can get free porn from social media. It’s so easy now a days to hear people say that they have been friends with said person for a long time and that it shouldn’t bother the other person that they follow a 90% nude person’s profile. “It’s not a big deal”, “There isn’t anything going on between us”, ” I don’t even like their photos” and then the guilt sentence follows “Well, if it bugs you that much.. I guess I will delete every girl on my social media.” Once that is said, then you look like the douchebag. Which doesn’t make sense because not long before this is said. They randomly mention that so and so bothers them and you shouldn’t be friends with them anymore etc. Its a catch 22 and for the love of Pete… I’ve  started to hate social media. I loved it too keep in contact with my nearest and dearest. Now I hate seeing all the same crap over and over.  What is socially acceptable and what isn’t, has completely changed.

The new generation is starting so young in how they are to portray themselves online. They don’t even know who they are as a person because they are trying to be someone they are not.

Social Media you have ruined my views on many topics.

The start of the honey pot chronicles

It started in 2007, I came across his profile online. I sent him a message and we chatted about nothing in particular. A few years had passed and we kept in touch here and there when we saw one another’s profile. Until 2010, he made a cocky comment online about how you would be lucky enough to get his phone number to text him. I immediately wrote back and said that he would be lucky if he received a text message from me. He then sent me his number and I texted him. I made some snarky remark about how much of a cocky person he is. We never stopped talking after that. We texted one another all day. We soon started to Skype as well. As the time passed with numerous attempts to meet.

I was finally going to visit in the USA that fall, near his location. Another man had requested my presences and I had no idea that he was into me. I went and I had a wonderful weekend with said man. Then Mr. Cocky, came and met me out of his own accord. Then everything blew up in my face. I had two men fighting over me.. I needed to choose. I chose Mr. Cocky. He came to visit me that winter.  We started dating that January. Little did I know that I would become pregnant 4 months later. After years of being told from health professionals that I may in fact never have children. It was a shock.. perhaps a good one. 

As the time passed, our relationship took a toll. Living in two separate countries was hard enough dating, let alone with a child. Numerous things happened 6 months after I gave birth. He decided he wasn’t ready to commit and be a parent. He broke things off the night before he flew home. Shortly after his arrival home, he had a woman come job shadow. He wanted to work on things with us, yet he decided to keep her job shadowing to himself.  This woman had a child no older than our child. She took it upon herself to start writing him love letters and sending him lingerie in the mail. He never responded to her, or so he says. As I write this… I am still seething over this and it’s been five months since. Everyone including himself, said there was nothing going on with them. I even messaged this woman and she told me to trust what he said. F**king homewreckers. Honestly, If you know someone is in a relationship and tells you so. Stay the f**k out of the relationship. I am not saying that it isn’t he’s fault at all. He should have told me about her job shadowing and he should have made it clear to her more than once about our relationship.

But that seems to be the thing about guys, they don’t see how we see other woman. I, myself can tell the difference between a lying piece of trash and an honest woman.

Now the question is, Can I learn to forget and move on? Am I only staying in the relationship cause of our child?

At what point is trust completely irreparable??