Is this what it is to be happy? Its only been a few months but I don’t miss him any less. I countdown the days until we meet again. Each time, I get butterflies. I adore hearing his voice. I adore all the simple things he does for me. I’ve never had anyone get up with me to see me off to work. He makes me laugh. It almost as if he knew I was talking about him. He just called. I better go!!
I have disappeared for sometime. I missed writing. Although it was mainly negative.. it was at least somewhere I could vent without hiding. I have since come a long way. I am no longer with my child’s father. I was miserable and so badly wanted it to work out. I wanted the white picket fence… the whole picture. Unfortunately, I was so blind that I didn’t see… I was only ruining my self. I was not the person I wanted to be nor was I the mother I wanted to be. Instead I was a shell of a person. Simply,just getting by. Doing the regular daily routine and hoping no one would ask how I was doing for fear of crying. I’m still unclear as too if I held on for dear life to a relationship that wasn’t working for myself or if I held on for my son. I love this little man more then anything. I would kill for him. I would stay in a relationship that wasn’t happy to make sure he would have both parents.. until I couldn’t bare it anymore (looks like I answered my own question). I tried for two years, I tried to tell this man that I needed to see him be involved in his son’s life. That it was unattractive to be with someone who didn’t show any signs of wanting to be a father. I know so many dads who fight so hard just to get a couple of hours with their kid (s). Yet this man had the doors open to see his son and he never came through. He just stood there, looking through the glass. Opening the door just enough to shine some light in and close it again. Even now I notice that I did so much work sending photos and talking about my son with him, he barely seemed excited about it. Once I stopped sending photos and telling stories of the days events… I realized with a terrible pain that it was just me. I am the one who has raised this little human and I know everything about him. His own father doesn’t know even know what he likes and dislikes unless I tell him. He doesn’t ask “what’s he into now? Does he like etc.” just nothing. He has all these plans to travel the world and make money at the same time. Yet, he cant even make it here for Christmas or his second birthday. I used to feel so much pain that my son was missing out on his father being there. But I realized it isn’t my burden to feel burdened for my son. It isn’t my sons burden to carry that his father has made other choices. Its his father’s burden, that he has made other things in life priority and not his sons. We are not missing out. We have each other. I get to watch this human grow and learn each day. My son has a mother who put his needs first. I made sure he had stability and guaranteed he would never go without the basic needs in order to live. If anyone wants to tell me its my fault that he is without his father, they clearly do not understand that I did everything to try and make it work. You can never force someone to be someone they are not. But you can choose to walk away if it is damaging your soul. I walked away with my head held high… I’m doing great. My son is amazing and teaching me how to be more and more like who I want to be.
At the end of the day, I did what I could until I couldn’t hold on anymore.