More like fuck this whole month.

I had three weeks of my child being sick and I was sick. Which is hard in itself. Especially when I have no help and can’t get any rest to get myself back to feel 100%. I had also made an appointment for something I have been putting off for many years. I had to pay for it and I made arrangements for a friend to watch my son. A family member then told me they could do it for me and I could cancel my friend. So I did, only to find out last minute that the family member couldn’t do it. I was then left not having anyone to watch my son and I lost out of $140. I was so upset because it’s very difficult for me to make plans and have help.

Meanwhile, I am suppose to leave my country to move to the USA. Drop all my stability here. Come to have my Fiancé accuse me of cheating two days before my birthday. Last year he has split up with me the day before my birthday. Its like a repeat of last year only worse. We end up fighting for days because of this. I was busy with our son and I don’t text and drive. Everything was blown out of proportion. Once, I told him I had had enough of the relationship and broke up with him. He then decides to back pedal and plead with me not to end things. So I am left feeling upset, hurt and confused. Here, I am wanting my family to be together but I didn’t need the BS 5 weeks before I am booked to get on a plane. So I am trying to give him another chance. Here I was thinking we had made some headway only to find out that he had in fact cancelled our living arrangements while we came down there.  Which I can understand doing that if someone says they aren’t coming. But why would you tell me you love me and make it seem as though we are working things out. Then I ask you to send me a letter to come down for our son and you tell me that you already cancelled our living arrangements and yah so. I mean you want us to come there and said you would figure everything out if we decided to come. But yet you now don’t want to say “Sure, I can make arrangements again! No problem!”. Instead, I now have no fucking idea what I am doing.

I need to tell my company I am not leaving and need my job still. But you are going to leave me in limbo. After all these years, its always hard when we are apart and I apologized for what you needed to hear. You said you would be okay after that. Clearly that is not the case. Now I am left feeling like I knew exactly what would happen and that you wouldn’t change or want to change how you think about us. That you are not willing to do anything anymore but you enjoy keeping me on your radar encase nothing better comes along. Or for when you decide that you want to step up as a dad. 

I shut my phone off. I cannot handle this anymore. I am miserable. Its so back and forth. If you don’t get how serious it is for me to give up everything I know and everything I have in this country to come to you. Then you clearly don’t see that I love you enough to give up everything for you. This is all showing me that you don’t love me enough to do the same. You don’t love me enough to fight for what I thought you wanted.

Just stop telling me you love me.  Stop wasting my time. Stop giving me hope that you are wanting to step up as a dad. Stop giving me hope that this could finally be everything we had wanted from the start. Stop telling me that you want to marry so we can live together and be a family, and not have the distance be an issue anymore.

Actions speak volumes.

It is so easy to just give up because you don’t have to see my everyday.

Just remember that you are giving up being a full time dad. The opportunity to know the most amazing human being I have ever met in my life, who just happens to be your son too. Now, you can just remain being the monthly dad. Years will pass and he will still never know you. Don’t get upset when someone else decides to step up and loves us both. I am giving you this chance to be that man in our lives, its up to you to want to be that man.

I’m not going to wait around anymore. I can’t break my heart anymore then it already is. I will get my answer from you this week. It’s either 100% trying or it’s nothing.

Right now, I am at work. Wishing I was at home so I could cry. How many times… will I let you hurt me…?