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How much of the past do you let enter your present? That is a good question to ask myself. Let me take you on a journey back to what my life was like four years ago.

 

Four years ago, I was in college. I was in a serious relationship that was due for a marriage. Everything was great or so I thought. We travelled to numerous countries together, we had a blast for the most part. Our wedding was being planned and we could have a wedding with no budget. It was what a girl would dream of. Being able to watch the perfect wedding come together that you have planned since you were a child. Only to have it come crashing down. The substance abuse that my partner at the time was battling was finally showing his true colors. The cops had been involved so much more at this point. With only month away from the dream wedding, I would find the strength I needed to wake up and leave. The final straw was when he grabbed me and try to pull my pants down. Saying that he would be able to tell by looking if I had cheated on him. I have never been more humiliated and degraded in my life. After that, I left. I deserved more then that. It was too much and I was done dealing with the emotional toll and the start of a physical abusive relationship.

I have never written about this time in my life. I have vaguely told people why the relationship didn’t work. I would lie and say “his drinking” or “we just aren’t meant to be”. I didn’t want may people to know the whole truth because I felt ashamed. I felt like a failure. I felt useless.

I was the person everyone wanted to be around. A social butterfly. Everyone would always comment and say how beautiful I was and how much I was missed if I wasn’t around. This was my past life and what people thought of me. I miss being the person I use to be. The person who smiled and was truly happy. I lost that person I once was. I have now let myself become insecure. I have damaged possible positive relationships because of that event in my life. I have ended things with men when they were really good because in my mind all good things come to an end. I have lost trust  in others and in myself. I have completely let this person beat me down and ruin myself worth.

Why am I still letting four years ago affect my life the way it did four years ago? Why am I choosing to let my insecurities that stem from someone else pave the way?  Why am I holding on? I know for a fact I am still angry about the items he took from me, some of those items can never be replaced. Now when someone takes something away from me or threatens to… it brings me right back to my feelings about how my ex controlled me. “I can never let my control go to someone else” & “I can never trust someone ever again”, these are constant sentences I’ve said to myself. I can’t just let someone take care of me because then I would be vulnerable once again. It would mean that person could hold things over my head, just like my ex did.

I’ve been in a relationship for two years now and we have a child together. I am suppose to up root my life and move and have had a really hard time letting go. I can’t give up my independence and “trust” that he won’t hurt me. All of our fights are over the distance and yet I could move there today. But because I have issues that are clearly coming to light now. Even if I don’t want to deal with them. They are here and I need to deal with them, so I can heal. I’ve worked so hard to become a hard shell of a person, while hiding that scared little girl from four years ago. I’ve gotten so good at it that I haven’t realize that I am in fact hurting myself. *wow, I am scaring myself with what has been pouring out over my keyboard* 

I have gone for consoling and I went right after my ex. I am starting to see now that I have more to work on then I thought. The question is… can I get over my now partners words that were said yesterday in the heat of the moment. I know he is tired of fighting to close the distance. Especially when I am the one who is sabotaging it. Holy shit I am sabotaging my whole life. I am the one who is ruining everything because I can’t just let shit go. No one else can magically fix me.. yet here I am wanting someone to fix what is broken. I have the tools that can repair my broken mind and heart… yet I choose to do nothing. I really need to rethink the way I think about myself. I am worth more then I give myself credit for. I am a great parent and that’s my main focus. I need to better myself so I can be a better parent for my child. This is not a positive way of thinking that I am living and I don’t want my child to grow up thinking that this is how a person should feel about themselves. I am my own therapy and I need to heal and move on.  I need to work on myself. I need to change. I need to change my way of thinking. I am not all those things my ex called me. I don’t cheat ever and I never will. That’s not me. He doesn’t get to mold me into what he thought I was… I wasn’t any of that. I’ve come so far and I have gotten myself to where I am now. I picked up my life and I moved on, I just didn’t leave that last box with him. I should have burned all the hateful memories when I left him. The longer I let those memories stay with me… the longer I let him affect my life.

I will not be just another abused woman! I will be a survivor! I will be a stronger person for myself and for my son! I will teach him how to treat a woman and now to just get into a relationship because its convenient. I want him to know not to give himself to someone he wouldn’t have a child with. Not too give himself to someone who doesn’t make his heart sing.

Dear asshole from my past,

Today I am choosing to walk around from the hold you’ve had over me for all these years. I will not let you ruin my self worth anymore. I will not let your negative words resonate in my head anymore. Most importantly I will let go of the items that are irreplaceable… I still have the memories of what they once were. I will stop wishing negative things to happen in your life… because all its doing is making my life negative. I’m done. I am so done! I won’t let the past ruin my life anymore.

Sincerely,

The bitch you couldn’t control with your money!!!

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