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I’m sitting at work on this cold gloomy day. I had another meltdown today. This whole immigration process is so overwhelming.

I’m stuck between hard place and a rock.

How do I choose what I want to do. I feel so guilty about leaving my job. I feel guilty about leaving my family. I feel guilty always. No matter what someone or something suffers with my choice to leave. How did this get so hard. Three years ago… I had no problem packing my belongings and leaving on a new adventure. The times have changed and I have my own little family.. I feel a huge weight pressing down on my heart. I am separately myself from everything I know. Everyone I know and love. I don’t know why I feel like whatever I do is the wrong choice. I don’t even know what my choice is. I constantly feel like I can do this and then I feel like I can’t.

I guess the main problem is getting over being scared.. being scared of the unknown. I have a lot of positive things to look forward to but all I can do is think about the negative side and what happens if something goes wrong etc. I am giving up a lot here. I have a excellent paying job, a car, a roof over my head. Most importantly.. I have amazing credit.

Once I leave… I leave all of that behind. I will have zero credit. I will have to start back at square one. It’s taking me four years to establish my credit and I don’t want to lose that. I have to trust someone else to care for me. I am so independent that this is a huge challenge. It will be a battle.

The has to be the hardest decision I will ever have to make. I’m going to try and go there and if I don’t like it in a years time.. I’m coming home.